I've been working at a local Catholic camp at Prairie Star Ranch in Willumsburg Kansas, for the past month. And MAN it's been so beautiful. However, I didn't really realize the extent of the beauty until I found myself sopping up a random spill in my kitchen a couple minutes ago, something I would've passively ignored a month ago.
And I realized, kneeling on the ground, rag in hand, it's been a familiar place for me recently.
I've been on my knees a lot cleaning this past few weeks. Whether it be toilets, showers, kitchen pans that fell on the floor or stains from liquids that dripped from plastic cups, my fellow missionaries and I have been down, on our knees, cleaning it. Finding grace in the dirty spaces.
I've been on my knees a lot ministering these past few weeks. I forget how small some children can be, how pure their hearts are, how innocent their questions and love for life is. So I get down on their level, look directly in their eyes...
I am very much an "in control" and "very complete" type of person. I like my t's crossed, my i's dotted, my planner scheduled, my future settled. I like being prepared, and I like knowing exactly what I'm getting into.
But being in suspense? And incomplete? And being okay with that? Oof- that's a tough one.
Right now, everything about my life is up in the air. Where I'm going to college, how I'm going to pay for it, what career I'm going into...up to what activity I'm doing next week, everything seems to be in the sky, hiding behind the clouds that I'm begging to move.
"Let me see it God, I want to know!" I beg, with open hands that shake a little too much with a burning desire to clench.
Oh- I forgot to mention that. I also like clenched fists. I like holding onto things and knowing what they are.
Yet God gently takes my hand, places my desires for control, perfection, and knowledge softly on the foot of His cross, and shows me h...
no more are you called "looked over", "forgotten" or "mistaken"
for you have been seen by the Creator of the Earth
He looks at you and gives you a new name
"My delight is in her"
and now you will never be the same.
Do you long for a new name?
Do you long for a new beginning, for a renewed promise, an enlightened future?
So did the Israelites.
The supposed "Chosen" people endured slavery, capture, torture, and persecution. They were promised a land to dwell- a safe place to rest after hundreds of years of enslavement.
Yet, they didn't receive the promise when they wanted. Sometimes, the Promised Land seemed like a fable, nothing more than a soothing bed time story. Reality felt like dirt between their sandals and exhaustion between their bones. Reality felt like God gave up but they had to keep moving on. The Promised Land had no place in a desolate, forsaken hea...
it's been awhile, hasn't it? i've been meaning to come back here for awhile, but a lot of things (technological errors, school, college, etc.) have been keeping me from coming. yet Jesus keeps prodding and I had to give in!
and what a better way to start again than on the first day of this new year. I'm honestly SO excited for 2019! what an adventure! what are you looking forward to in this new year?
anyways, this is just a quick little check in. I truly hope you have an amazing new year...get excited for some new posts! there is much I have to say, and I cannot wait to share it with you. :)
until then, here's a little poem/prayer thingy I wrote for the new year! it was rather therapeutic and a great way to list out what I want to work on in the new year. I definitely recommend it if you are looking for some way to prepare for this new year! what are some things you need to grow in, and let go of? something to ponder.
"A beginner must look on himself as one setting out to make a garden for his Lord's pleasure, on most unfruitful soil which abounds in weeds. His Majesty roots up the weeds and will put in god plants instead. let us reckon that this is already done when the soul decides to practice prayer rand has begun to do so." -St. Teresa of Avila
something i've learned in the past couple of months... is that weeds can be disguised as flowers. you don't realize that they are taking up all of your energy, all of your effort, all of your heart and not returning any nutrients or goodness. you don't realize that they are infiltrating every good piece of you until you look into the mirror and realize you are a shell, a ghost, a broken down soul.
the only way to get rid of the weeds is to realize you have them, call them out by name, and pluck them from the root.
i don't like that process, because that involves me looking directly at the stuff that makes my heart clench. it's looking at the dirty stuff, r...
My entire life I've struggled with my vocation. What God is calling me to do when I'm older. However He'll use me, as a potential sister, wife, mother, or single layperson. It's honestly consumed me... and honestly in not the healthiest way. I over think the slightest things, I cower in fear at what I don't want, I pray to be open but then find myself closing off.
I've confided in numerous people, I've prayed about it so many times... but it never seemed to make sense. The anxiety would build then ease, then build up until I cried out in frustration because I don't know what God wants me to do but I know what I want. And I am scared I will be selfish and choose me when I so desperately want to choose Him.
I reached out to a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, at first asking her how to balance life academically junior year. (we all know it's a hike of a year, amiright? :D) But then we got to talking about theological things. And she, and the beautiful soul she is, sat and read pati...
here is your daily reminder that you areworth it, you are loved, and you are beautiful. those words may sound so fake and fickle and hollow that your heart may not accept it. but please believe me. or if you don't believe me, believe Him. after all, He created love and beauty and worth, and you are precious in His sight, and honored, and LOVED. (Isaiah 43:4)
you are not worthless because you were bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). God moved mountains for you- well more importantly He created mountains for you. He gave nations in exchange for your life (Isaiah 43:4). why would someone do all of that for someone they do not love? that they would not sacrifice everything for?
the world may seem unbearably dark. you may have many friends and family who care for you, but you may feel so so alone. you may try over and over to reach for the light, but it may seem hopeless.
let me promise you, over and over and over again that it is not, nor will...
SO ANWAYS I was at dance with my favorite teacher in the whole world and she was messing around with me because I haven't been to the last few classes because of the musical I was recently in. So I said to her "Ugh, I know you hate me."
And then she was like "okay I'm going to preach here" and she metaphorically stepped up on the soap box and gave this amazing speech and I shall try to do it justice.
So as followers of Christ, our goal (in a nutshell) is to spread love, right? Just love love love, love until (and even when) it hurts, love your neighbor, love your enemy, just love. And hate is the complete opposite of love in every way, shape in form. So, as Christians, hate should be a word deleted from our vocabulary because it represents everything that we are not. Think of the word hate, what connotation does it have in your mind? It sounds evil, disgusting, full of darkness and just hatred (ooh good definition by me, I know). It should not be possib...
“‘I am love and Mercy Itself. There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted – it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I Myself take care of it.’”
-st. faustina's diary, pg 459-
Do you accept mercy?
Do you accept love that is given without regard to your sin?
Do you accept forgiveness for the things that even you
cannot forgive yourself for?
Do you accept pity for actions that deserve none?
Do you accept mercy?
Do you accept humble kindness given for love and by Love?
Do you accept that your name is not your sin?
Do you accept compassion on your weak and weary soul?